Gays Make It Confusing

I just finished another fabulous episode of Kathy Griffin on the Dlist, and I realized that there are now so many levels of being gay that even I'm confused.

When I went to college, please don't ask how long ago that was, the gay group on campus was a mere LGB group. LGB stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual. Now back in the late 90s, oh crap I just gave a clue on my age! Anyway glossing over that mishap.....So back then we thought this included all of the gay types. (Which by the way I have always thought the term gay included lesbians, but what do I know) Then we added a T for transexual, making it LGBT. That lasted about 2 seconds before we changed the name of our group to Fusion to safely include anyone and everyone that we were forgetting. Confused yet?

Recently I heard it was changed to LGBTQ; Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual, Queer. Ok seriously gays what the hell is Queer? I am guessing this includes all of the super annoying people that "don't like labels". You know these types. They are usually gay, but they don't like to be "labeled", because they still think women are SUPER HOT. Ya ok. Some very annoying "unlabelable" (I think I just made that up, roll with it) people are Ariel from Miami Social, which btw is the BEST new show on Bravo. Please add it to your on demand. Before I move on can I just say that if you are a man named after the Little Mermaid you HAVE to be gay. No ifs ands or buts there super butch Arial. Blake from Project Runway, I mean seriously. Pretty much any celebrity that doesn't believe in labeling themselves; Clay Gayken used to be one, but then he came out (woohoo and big shock I know, but it was for all 8 of his Claymate fans), Ricky Martin (again seriously), and I'm sure there are tons more but I can't think of all of them right now. Oh and apparently Margaret Cho is now queer? She said she was on her latest televised stand up. So if someone could please contact her to let me know what queer means I would really appreciate it, because at this point I just think that queer means fag hag. Thanks Margie.

Ok so we are up to LGBTQ, and I just found out that we added an I? What the hell? I, as I understand it, stands for Intersex. What does that mean exactly? Is Intersex the transitionary period between having something added or removed, you know what I mean don't make me say it? Or is Intersex happily living between two sexes? Hence unidentifiable? If so then aren't they just queer?

Why do the gays make it all so difficult? You know why, it's because every gay needs the new best thing! Lesbian, gay, bisexual is sooooo last season. Well I'm jumping ahead of the curve, and I am no longer gay, but vaginally challenged. Can I make that a word? How about nonotothevag? Or nomuffforme? I'll work on it, but be sure to look for another letter to be added to LGBTQI very soon. God pretty soon it's going to be LGBTQIXCVYUJASOP.

Thank you gays for making labeling so confusing! And they say we aren't judgmental.

Oh a p.s. is needed, because I just looked up intersex, and it is a fancy word for hermaphrodite. Why are hermaphrodites part of the LGBT community? I'm not including Q, because I think it's dumb. Oh gays.....

Luvubitch!

Hottest Bitch In Town

So I am sitting here recuperating from my drinking escapades last night watching the Animal Planet Dog Championships, and I have just seen the hottest bitch of the dog show, literally. It is a female Chinese Crested named Botox. Now normally I would think that these dogs are the ugliest things ever to come about from selective breeding, but how can you top one of these with the name Botox?! In my opinion she should win for name alone! Here I thought they all had names like Anastasia Beaverhausen the III. Go Botox!!! I'm routing for you!

If Botox wasn't reason enough to watch the Animal Planet Dog Championships, then you should definitely tune in for the announcer with super bad gay lisp. Gay lisp + Botox = tv brilliance.

Luvubitch!

I'm an Old Fag

Last night I was out at my favorite Chicago gay bar, which if you want to know is Northend.

I am a sucker for a dive gay sports bar. The gays are more manly than the regular twink filled extravaganza most clubs seem to be. I always feel skinny. I'm on the young end of the clientele. And I get to listen to all types of hot manly conversations, such as "did the Redwings win(?)", which I have to preface actually happened to me once and I had to respond with "I'm sorry but I don't know what that is". Anyway.........

So last night when I was about 5 or 6 or 20 drinks in I asked a friend of mine what their gay song was. You know what one's gay song is. It is that first song you heard at a gay bar that made you run to the dance floor, throw your limp-wristed arms in the air, and scream I love being gay!!! It signifies the turning point in one's gay life when they go from still one foot in the closet, to wearing only painted on clothes and tossing their legs behind their head. Well I know some "straight" guys that do that, but I'm talking about the gays that say "girl this bitch tore up my ass last night!" Yeah I love my people! For those of you who aren't gay, sorry you may not be cool enough for this post.

When my friend let me listen to his gay song on his ipod I couldn't believe what I was hearing! It was all trance/jungle/bass beats. Sure it was "All about the boys", or some shit like that, but there was nothing quintessentially gay about it. Then again my friend has been out for a year (?), so maybe that's what the new gays relate to now a days. It was at this point that I realized I am an old faggot.

True in the gay world being 30 I am essentially dead already, but in gay years I am REALLY old. I came out when I was 17, when most of friends waited until their 20s, so in gay years I am 14 years old! That is like way super old to you like young twink gays like seriously.

MY gay song is "If You Could Read My Mind" from the Studio 54 soundtrack.

Whatever happened to good gay songs like that?!?! When I first started going out we still had awesome legitimately gay only songs. Now it's all remixed crap. Can't the gays listen to anything not remixed five times over? I blame it all on Britney! Grant it I love the bitch, and especially all the crazy, speaking of have you seen this clip? But I think the gays have gotten so used to her over synthesized voice that they think all music should sound like that.

Well fuck this!!! Bring back the fabulous black girls! Bring back the glamorous! Death to Britney, Miley and all those bitches for ruining gay music!

Ugh I am exhausted. I'm going to go pop in some Britney and dance around in my heels and underwear.

Luvubitch!

College Degrees Are Obsolete

I have recently discovered that college degrees have become obsolete. I was a complete moron, and gave up a perfectly good job to move to Chicago, IL. I have been here about four and a half months. During this time I have called every single architecture firm in the yellow pages, applied to every job posting on Craigslist, CareerBuilder, Monster, Hot Jobs, IHire, and I routinely check every firm's individual website incase they have an internal posting. I have a Bachelor's and Master's in Architecture plus five years working experience. Every position I have applied to I am either; under qualified, over qualified, don't have the right skill set, or don't have the right experience needed.

I know, I know, the economy blah blah blah. A few years ago I could apply to a job, get an interview, and get an offer in a matter of weeks. Now I can't even get a serving job, or a receptionist job because I don't have the right "skills", or I'm over qualified. Bitch how hard is it to put a glass of water on a table, or answer a fucking phone?!

The point of my story is that having two degrees hasn't seemed to help me find a job at all. Don't buy in to the crappy online universities either, especially the ones offering a degree in design. Design won't get you shit right now! Not to mention having a degree from ABC University.com is not that impressive to potential employers.

No, in this economy I have decided the only way to go is to shirk ones morals, and get a job in gay porn or stripping. Seriously! I know several individuals that work at a seedy hole in the wall gay bar here in Chicago as strippers, and they make on average.....wait for it.......$6-8,000 a month! CASH!!! WTF?!?! $1500 to $2000 a week to get felt up by some skeezy old guys? Sign me up! And I have to note that they get to drink at work. Hello! Dream job? I think so.

I also know that, on average, guys that work steadily in gay porn make 6 figures a year. WTF again! Paid to have sex with other hot guys? Um bonus! The only thing holding me back from this is that I can't quite figure out how to shave between the cheeks, and I am one of those rare twinky tops. I don't really think that I could deal with getting pounded by a dick the size of my forearm......or a forearm for that matter.

So here I am spending my days applying to anything I can find on Craigslist. Pretty soon it's going to be giving blow jobs on the street corner for $5. Then again if I tape it and post it on xtube for $2 a viewing I can probably be a millionaire by Christmas. Ok boys, old guys, and everything in between, meet me on the corner of ............................

Luvubitch!