Where Were You Fifteen Years Ago?

Recently on Glee a super hot football player named Karofsky planted a big 'ole kiss on Kurt, and Kurt pushed him off! Ok it went down like this, Karofsky has been smacking Kurt around since the show started, um hot! Kurt cried like a big pussy. Then another gay named Blaine (he already was introduced as a gay Character did they really have to give him the name Blaine? I mean it was already obvious enough that he liked the pene without giving him a pornstar name. Why not just name him Adonis Elton Michael Sigfried Martin Bieber?) told him to get some Courage, and yes this was a very obvious Wizard of Oz reference for all of the old gays, ok us old gays, watching the show. Kurt finally stood up to Karofsky after he yet again slammed him into a locker, um hot! While Kurt screamed at him in his best Sally Field Steel Magnolias monologue the hot manly beefy straight football player planted one on him right on the lips! When he went in for a second Kurt pushed him off! What the fuck Kurtis!?!?

Personally this would have been, ok still is, a wet dream of mine. Persuading a hot "straight" football player to go gay for you? Are you kidding me?! I could not believe Kurt didn't go for it. Then he just cried about his first kiss not even counting. Um Kurtis I don't even remember my first kiss, because I was totally shitfaced at 17, made out with a guy going through Catholic Seminary, and I can't remember. I believe I even puked first, and then made out, um not so hot. Trust me mine is wa-hay worse than making out with a closeted football player. If that was my story I would be telling EVERYONE, even my mom. Well she does like the details.......awkward.

Can someone please tell him now that ALL of his gay friends will be drinking with him when they play I Never ten years from now? I'm sure everyone watching thought oh poor Kurt was taken advantage of by his abuser, and all I could think of was that lucky bitch!

Here's hoping she remembers to pucker up, and drop her pants next time. One can't complain about never having a boyfriend, and be choosey at the same time. It's high school babe! There ain't much in the way of options for gay kids.

Btw I have watched the clip somewhere in the thousands at this point. It's proven to be quite effective. Thanks Fox for the family programming!

Oh great I should have never said that. Now the religious crazos will be all over trying to shut down Glee. Well if they haven't already for some of the things they have said I am sure one little gay thing will be ok. Anyone remember "they just stood up there honking at me"? If that failed to get them shut down for that I don't know what would!

To end this brief post I would like to add that Karofsky will totally be singing Born This Way by Lady Gaga at some point. Probably as the anthem for Regionals. Something needs to get those bitches to state this year!

luvuFINFOOTBALLIS4FAGbitches

Mr. Devil I'm Ready For My Porno

My gay friends always make fun of me for not hooking up more, and having more one night stands. Tonight a friend of mine told me that he thinks he is online somewhere, because a trick kept trying to position him in a certain area in the room. I may not have had a lot of different dick in my life, but at least the virtual world can't identify my cock in a line up. Just sayin'.

luvuINTERNETbitches!

Two Olives Please

Whilst out the other evening a friend of mine went to the bar to refresh his tumbler. Upon ordering his vodka cranberry he said to the bartender, "This may sound weird, but can I have two olives separately for dinner?" The bartender said, "Of course! This happens all the time."

I am not sure what is worse. The fact that my friend thought two olives constituted as dinner, or the bartender nonchalantly responding that it happens all the time.

Again I ask you....what is wrong with gay people? Personally I like to eat. Get mama a Big Mac!

Yes, after six months that's all I got. I have been away a while, but I feel like summer is the best time to refresh my blog. Plus I foresee so many more manorexic stories to blog about from now until Labor Day.

luvuOLIVEbitches!

Anorexia Is Soooo Cool

I have always known that anorexia was quite popular with the gays, and everyone fabulous, but I had no idea how rampant it had become until just recently.

For Thanksgiving this year I decided to spend five long hours dedicated to cooking a meal for three fags. I should have just put a handle of vodka on the table, and some no carb no calorie snacks and called it a day, but I decided to do it old school and make the turkey, the stuffing, the yam stuffed baked apples, the mashed potatoes, all from scratch. Well the turkey was in a bag, but I did watch the built in thermometer to make sure I pulled it out once it popped! During our Thanksgiving extravaganza one of the gays I was cooking for decided it was time to complain about how fat she looked in her sweater. That's right, while getting ready for the holiday dedicated to pigging out I had to console a gay that he was not fat. In order to save time waiting to eat for a self conscious gay to go through twenty-some costume changes I told him that he did not look fat, and in fact he looked anorexic. At this point he turned to me with a twinkle in his eye, and a relieved look on his face, and said, "You mean it? OMG thank you!"

On what planet is it ok to look anorexic? My entire life I have been made fun of for being too skinny, and now it's a sought after image?

I was again brought back to reality upon hearing Kate Moss tell an interviewer that she has been able to maintain her waif-like appearance by holding true to the mantra that, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Luckily I am now no longer part of this group of super fabulous anorexics, because according to my friends I have turned a little pudgy weighing in at 156 on a 6'-2" frame. I think this is why only 10% of the population is gay..... it is just way easier being straight, having a few beers and a whole pizza while watching a football game, than it is being a constantly hungry queer. So for all you single ladies out there guess who is now on the market?!

luvuANObitches!

Life Is Overrated

Two months ago I got a two month contract job. After seven months of crappy freelance jobs, one of which I am still waiting on payment two months later, I had finally found something somewhat permanent. It was a dream job under the guise to transition into permanent employment.....sike! That's right I'm bringing by sike! Or is it syke? Today I was just notified that I would not be needed at the end of my contract. WTF! I even worked un-billable hours at this job in the chance of trying to look like I really cared. So now it is back to door to door.

The reason I think life is overrated is because we are held back by our past life karma! Obviously I used all of mine up in my past life; I was probably Hitler, and my roommate was the founder of Salvation Army. Seriously EVERYTHING goes his way. His life motto is it always works out, and I am the definition of the Murphy's Law. If something bad can happen it will ten fold. Um is that what it's called? Whatever it is it's BAD!

I am now looking forward to working on dad's tree farm back in Ohio, and he make 6 figures while not working more than 15 hours a week from home in an apartment he got at 1/4 of the price on foreclosure with a cute twinky bf that makes him his lunch every day. I have to say that in my next life I better be the next Golden Child, and he better be a flatworm.

luvuCHARMEDbitches

War on Twinks

I first of all have to preface that I do not necessarily hate all twinks. I just hate the ones that dip in my dating pool, the 30+ gays. That's not true, I hate all twinks.

A few days ago I was getting my hair did, and I had a conversation with another 30 year old gay. We found out that we are in the same lonely boat. Both of us are twinks past our prime, still tall, skinny, and relatively wrinkle free (no laughs please and thank the Lord for the invention of retinol. Start early!), but we can no longer be considered twinks. Btw thank God. Anyway, we came to the agreement that all of the twinks are stealing up all the eligible bachelors! Everywhere I look I see a 19,20, 21 year old with someone 30 and up.

For example a friend of mine who is 32 is dating a 21 year old. I can't say much because I really like his bf, which is annoying. Another friend of mine who is 36 that I always thought would stay strong with me in dating in the 30 pool just went on a date with a 21 year old. I also have several 30+ friends that only date below the age of 23. What the fuck?! What is wrong with dating someone older? Most of these friends say that they don't date people their age because they are old. Um.....how is someone who is 30 too old for someone who is 31? I really don't get it.

This all falls in my opinion that gays have their midlife crisis at 30 instead of 40. Once gays jump the 20 something mark they have an age crisis. They start wearing painted on clothes, stop eating, and start partying til 5am, even if they never did that in their 20s. Personally I love being 30. My gays always give a gay gasp when someone asks my age and I proudly lift my chin and say 30. "But they thought you were 25! Why tell them your real age?" Because I'm proud of it bitches! I worked hard to get to 30, and I am not letting it go. Besides who wants to relive their 20s anyway? Shitty apartments, bad boyfriends, starter jobs, broke college years. You can have it 20 somethings I am all about pushing forward!

In order to balance out the universe I am hear-by declaring that I will only date 60+ year olds. Yes this makes me a contradiction, and the 60s group will bitch about 30 year olds stealing their men, but I feel this is a necessary evil in order to balance out my age set. So the next time you see me with a geriatric don't hate, I'm doing it to balance out the dating down of my fellow 30+ gays. That's right I'm all about the people.

Btw I am actually just bitter, because when I was 21 no 30+ would give me the time of day. Oh if only I could have been born in the 90s instead of the 70s. Oh fuck I'm old!

luvuTWINKYbitches!

Fuck Happens A Lot

Did you ever notice how often fuck happens on a daily basis, and I am talking on all levels of the word. I feel like I am surrounded by this word possibly way too much, especially as of late.

I recently moved to a gentrifying neighborhood, no I shouldn't say that, I live in a gorgeous building at the edge of a beautiful area, and by edge I mean one block over bullets are flying and domestic disputes run rampant. Just now I was out on the terrace and I witnessed a guy running down the street yelling FUCK who then jumped up and kicked a mailbox mid stride and kept on going. First of all what did a mailbox ever do to someone? Whenever I am mad I never think I am going to let that mailbox have what's coming to it! Then just across the street a couple were apparently mid-breakup yelling fuck you you fucking bitch at each other at the bus stop. Scenes such as this are a regular occurrence around here.

In addition to these colorful verbal fucks, I have to deal with my roommate's literal fucks every single day. It is better now that our apartment is twice the size, but do you know how difficult it is being single listening to your roommate having at it several times every day? Then having to witness them strutting around the apartment sex swollen in a pair of boxers asking me what's up like I hadn't been subjected to their rabbit fucking for the past half hour?

Then there are the fates that keeping fucking my life. The surprise hospital bill that was supposedly taken care of by my lovely insurance, the surprise audit on my 2007 taxes, the surprise utility bills that somehow come about every other week instead of once a month, the surprise vet bill that cost $188 instead of the $88 I was expecting.

Seriously when did fuck become the soundtrack of my life? I can't complain that much though, if I had to choose one word fuck isn't that bad, after all it has so many uses. I am reading Kathy Griffin's new book and if fuck was taken out of it there wouldn't be anything to read, and if we didn't have it would Eddie Murphy have even had a career? In the end I guess I shouldn't complain fuck is pretty amazing.

luvubitch!