The How and the Why

At long last I have discovered why I have gone for so long without finding a permanent job. I have applied to literally hundreds of jobs in the past six months, and as a result I often recycle my cover letter. I alter the position, and a few key facts per the job I applied for. Today was no exception. I applied for a fabulous interior design job at a super gay interior design firm in the area. Should have been golden right? Um yah no. I sent out my personalized cover letter, and immediately received an email response saying that they could not make it past the first sentence of my cover letter, but I could have a second chance to reread and re-edit it to be sent back. At first I thought "what a bitch! there is nothing wrong with that letter I checked it twice!" Upon rereading the cover letter that stated while I had applied to an interior design position I had actually written that I wanted to apply for their Project Architect position in Columbus, OH. So much for their bitchy comment, apparently I'm just an idiot.

So there it is. It seems I haven't been getting call backs due to my lack of experience, but rather I often have been applying for the wrong positions. I will keep my avid readers posted, but I think this last application was a wash. It's not my fault though! I've applied to too many jobs! Can't someone just hire me to save me from this hell already?

luvuGRAMATICALLY_PERFECTbitch.

Hating on the Bears

Recently in my quest to accept any paying job that comes my way I applied to a doorman position at a local Bear/Leather bar. Technically leather and bears are kept separate, but this is a bunch of bull shit. There's no such thing as a leather twink, preppy, gaysian, or circuit gay. On my interview I started off as optimistic. The position was for a part-time Thursday and Saturday night only doorman. All one had to do was check id's, and answer the phone, and I mean who calls a bar anyway? I met with someone who shall remain nameless, but his name was used in a Lindsay Lohan movie back in the pre-coke years if that helps, and I was ushered into the back bar for my interview. Now this person had a handle bar mustache, was very furry, and not how should I put it slender; pretty much the complete opposite of moi. We did the interview, blah blah blah, and at the end of it he told me that there were five other applicants for this shitty $8.00 an hour 12 hour work week position. I mean really? How could there possibly be that many guys willing to lower themselves to such an unglamorous job? In the end I got a "we'll call you" response, and I never heard back. Shocking. Now I have a master's degree, which I would have thought would have qualified me to check id's. Apparently not. It is for this reason that I think bears discriminate the most out of all gay subcultures, which btw is saying a lot.

Supposedly bears embrace everyone, but in reality they have harsher physical appearance codes than all the other gays combined. Most gays will let slide a little back hair, some saggy titties, even *gasp a wierd penis, but not the bears! Bears only accept other hairy fat middle aged smelly non-effeminate men.

I did some research, and the bear flag is supposed to embrace all types. I am going to regurgitate what I found on wikipedia. Brown represents hair and skin, ok there are a fair amount of bears that fall into this category they can have that one. Red represents hair and skin, as in Native Americans; I guess this could be true, but I have never seen a Native American bear to prove otherwise so I am saying this is lie number 1! Blond represents hair and asian skin, which is absolutely false! There is absolutely no such thing as an asian bear! If you can find one please attach a pic in the comments because I don't believe you! Asians lack both the hair and size to be included in the bear community, which by the way is a good thing so if you are asian don't get pissed at that comment. That was lie number 2! Peach represents light blond hair and peach skin. Ok now seriously does there need to be a distinction between blond and light blond? So much for being masculine there bears. White represents white hair and albinos. I definitely buy the white hair, but albinos? They are REALLY reaching for this "all inclusive flag". Since when is albino a separate ethnicity? Grey represents grey hair. What no grey skinned people? Exclusion number 4, or was that3? I lost count. Last and obviously least is black for black hair and skin. Why does black need to be on the bottom? Why is it black and not African American? They listed Asian and Native American! Discrimination! If I was an African American bear I would be pissed!

I will have to segue into another blog just for the other types of bears, but this is dragging on already. In closing I love bears, but they hate me. Why all the hating bears? Not all of us can have a low metabolism and small amounts of body hair.

LuvuFURRYbitches!

Yeeha Ms. Chesney

In honor of Gay Rodeo weekend in Chitown I thought it appropriate to honor one of the biggest gay gurls in the biz, Kenny Chesney! People always say that there is no such thing as a gay country star, but I disagree. Look at this Mary. She is allergic to sleeves, divorced Squinty (Renee Zellweger) after a few weeks, and just started his own fashion line! This gurl is gayer than Tommie Gurl (Tom Cruise) on an all night barely binge while forcing his brain washed "wife" to perform old Judy Garland hits for his own personal amusement.

Tommie Gurl being a fan of Judy is hilarious on so many levels. I know there are still at least five whole Tom Cruise female fans out there that get their titties in a twist over him, (did I use that saying correctly?), but I mean come on! I know of two male friends of friends of friends that have reported sleeping with him. What more proof does one need?

Anyway back to Kenny Chesney. I have always thought that he was gay, and now that he has released a clothing line I am definitely convinced, ESPECIALLY since the nymag.com put him and Lady Gaga in the same headline. Nothing is gayer than Lady Gaga. I think her penis is bigger than mine, and by penis I mean big dick. Is she not the biggest tranny you have ever seen? Her equipment is probably bigger than Ann Coulter's.

luvuGAYRODEObitches!

Dlist Celebrities Are Dlist For A Reason

So I have been trying to be Facebook friends with Andy Cohen for months, and my friend request is still pending! Ok now he has 4.953 friends, so clearly he is not that picky. Granted these could all be passed conquests considering he is gay, hot, and quasi-famous, but I'm more than open to being part of that list! Hello he is so AC silver fox! (AC is gay shorthand for Anderson Cooper duh). I mean I'm not a stalker. I've only requested to be his friend like 26 times, but who's counting.

You know I had this same problem with Kathy Griffin on Facebook too! It took that bitch over three months to approve me, and it's not even a real friend it's one of those stupid group pages or something. Now I know her fabulous drunk ancient mother, (my life long ambition), was in charge of the website, but no excuses! How hard is it to click accept over and over again?!

It's for this reason that I think these Dlist celebrities will always be Dlist! If they really wanted to climb up the ladder fucking log in to Facebook every day and hit accept! How fucking hard is that! Ugh so annoying.

I had this idea to try sending out friend requests to legitimate Alist celebrities, but did you ever notice that they all have a million fake pages? Robbie Williams has about 10, and Angelina Jolie forget it! I think Facebook needs to implement a function to input a social security number so there can only be one Robbie Williams. How is he ever going to find me, fall in love with me, move me to England, beet me up in a coke induced rage, and then spend the next week having hot make up sex?......and repeat. Seriously this needs to happen.

LuvuDLISTbitches!

The Time Traveler's Stupid Weepy Wife

MOVIE REVIEW - THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE

I am doing so well on writing every day! I am sooo good at setting goals for myself, not so much on the follow through.

Ok I am not drunk, not enthusiastic, and I am taking a break from boring work.....we'll struggle through this post together.

I recently saw The Time Traveler's Wife, and I have to give it a bit rating. It really was a pretty good movie, but I am not a fan of Debbie Downer movies, and this one definitely falls into that category. First though lets focus on the positives. Rachel McAdams was the perfect pick for this role. She has pretty much mastered the weak teary eyed conflicted love interest; The Family Stone, Wedding Crashers, The Notebook. Don't get me wrong I love Rach, but one does have to admit that she is the go to girl of the moment for this type of roll. Next we have Eric Bana. Not only is Eric dreamy, but we get to see a lot of his ass in this movie, because when one time travels their clothes don't go with them duh. I think he's an ok actor, but with his looks and naked butt throughout the whole movie who cares. It's like Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. Sure he's pretty good, but considering how good he looked sans shirt in a cowboy hat who cares! He could have had a speech impediment in that movie and no one would have noticed. The last positive of the movie was the way Eric phased in and out of time, fabulous.

Onto the cons of the movie. What kind of a stupid beotch mopes around while her husband is off streaking through time? Seriously. He is such a typical man! You know what I's sayin ladies. "Oh I couldn't help but pass through time. It's not my fault I missed your birthday. It's not my fault I phased into the vagina of a woman in the future; she was just there when I landed!"

Also, the ending wah wah. I can't really say much since I don't want to spoil it, but ugh. I am glad it didn't end all Disney, but who wants to leave a movie so depressed! Movies should be an escape from reality, not forcing us to analyze our own crappy relationships! Boooo. This is why this movie only gets a bit out of a bitch.

I should have written this directly after the movie, when I had to go to the bar and get smashed in order to try and cheer myself up. don't judge, isn't that what everyone does after a depressing movie? It's for this reason I have yet to see Monster with Charlize Theron. Not only was I pissed they didn't cast an actual ugly actress in the role, come on the gorgeous starlets even get the ugly roles (?), but I would have to drink myself into a comma to get over that one. Personally I love happy feel good movies like Little Miss Sunshine. You know a movie where someone dies, gets thrown in the trunk of a car, child stripping, crushed dreams, and failed suicide. Now that is a feel good movie!

Luvubitch!

Hobbits Don't Need To Recline

I thought it would be hard to come up with something that annoyed me today, but then I got on a plane and all my problems were solved! A hobbit sized asshole sat in front of me in coach, I know traveling with the surfs, and proceeded to stay in the reclined position throughout the entire flight. I swear whenever I get on a plane the seat in front of me is always defective! As soon as the plane takes off the seat in front of me reclines, and stays that way until landing, and sometimes even after landing. How is this possible? Does anyone else have this problem? I think the person in front of me sees a 6'-2" person behind them and thinks, "Why do they need all of that extra leg room? Why don't I help them get a little more cozy." BAM! Right into my knees every time. If I am going to go through the trouble of getting my knees bruised it's not because I am flying in coach. You know what I'z sayin gurl!? Shit.

Luvubitch!

Julie & Julia & Me

MOVIE REVIEW - JULIE & JULIA

I recently saw the movie Julie & Julia. After having just started a blog I was super into the idea that I can sell this blog for milllllionnnnns of dollars after one year. I think I am going to follow the Julie plan and make some kind of deadline for myself. Btw a great line from the movie was "I love deadlines. I love the sound they make as they go wooshing past." And....that sounds a little familiar to me. As I like to tell everyone; I am an idea man, not so much a do-er. Anyway I think a deadline is a great idea to make me write something everyday! Especially since after only 5 posts I have a cajillion readers. Incase you didn't know a cajillion is like totally a lot.

So, for my deadline I am going to write 1 movie/book/music review a day. This is great, because I can totally cheat and write about past movies I've seen, and I am sure I have seen enough movies/read enough books/listened to enough music to write about 1 of those a day! I know I'm brilliant. I am also going to write 1 personal ranting a day about either celebrities/life situations/ events during my day that pissed me off. This will be a little more daunting of a task, but I'm pretty sure I can find SOMETHING during my day that I find to be annoying.

OK! Now that that is done I am going to review Julie & Julia. When reviewing movies I think that I have to have my own rating system. The better the movie the more of a bitch spelling it gets. For instance a crappy movie like Vanilla Sky...bleh!....would receive a b, because it sucked in every possible way. A great movie such as Empire Records would receive a bitch, because it was awesome. A super rare unbelievably amazing movie, such as Goonies would get a BEOTCH, because it was one of the best movies of all time.

Julie & Julia definitely gets a bitch. Meryl Streep in my opinion is one of the greatest actresses of all time, and she shows it here with her ability to completely encapsulate the persona of Julia Child. Not only was her voice dead on, but some of the one liners she was able to deliver were unbelievable! If you don't want a spoiler don't read further........but one of my favorites was when she took two rolls of pasta out of a boiling pot by hand and said "these are as hot as a stiff cock!" Does it really get better than hearing that from a Julia Child character?! I mean seriously. I also really enjoyed her line when her and her sister were standing in front of the mirror and she said "Not bad....*pause.............but not great". This is how I feel every time I look in the mirror! OMG I'M Julia Child! Amy Adams was equally as good. She was so good that I only had the vision of her traipsing around New York singing "How will you knoooooow if heeeee loves her" while in a gorgeous pink gown once. That's pretty good in my opinion, since I associate her with wide eyed princess perfection. The only problems I had with this movie were that Stanley Tucci should only play gay characters like in The Devil Wears Prada, so I can think that he is available (come on he's a hot bear daddy no?), and the theater I was at didn't center the movie on the screen correctly so we were stuck watching boom mikes throughout the entire movie. I know this isn't the movie's fault, but they should plan ahead for these situations and edit them out. Why can't they make boom mikes green, so they can green screen them out in the editing process?

Hollywood is dumb.

Luvubitch!

Babies are Bullshit

Another day passes, as does another bottle of wine, which means it's time for another blog post! I am sitting here watching old Sex in the City reruns on TBS, and it is the baby shower for Laney episode. I have to agree with my girls; I am soooo over people who have babies thinking that they are somehow bettering the planet by carrying on the species. Ok now if you have kids, thinking about having kids, or some day want kids stop reading immediately. For all the cool people ga head.

While watching this episode I am painfully reminded of my mother, drunk (aren't all moms?), standing in front of the family at a holiday lunch saying "Jason how are you going to make it up to me for not giving me grandchildren". There are many things wrong with this statement; one why the hell do I have to provide grandchildren it's my life bitch, two don't parents have children for themselves not for their parents, and three I'm not having kids because I want to fly first class and buy Prada shoes. My saving grace afterwards was that I was able to say that my boyfriend of three years just broke up with me three weeks after I threw him a $1400 surprise 30th birthday party which he didn't offer to pay for to leave me for a 19 year old after I gave up my fabulous life in New York City to move to fucking Reno, NV and I had to move out of my house which I technically still owned half of. Yeah I win!!!! Seriously nothing tops that shit. I'm kind of almost glad it happened, because when someone says my life sucks I get to say *repeat from above. I am going to use that shit til I'm fucking six feet under. Thanks xbf!

Back to topic. I think all singles can attest that people with kids get all the perks. Think about it. Parents always get to leave work early because they have some soccer practice, blah blah blah they have to get to, and the single people can finish the work because they couldn't possibly have anything else to do of importance. Single people still have to pay for public school even though they don't use it. (omg at this point I've pissed off all parents and teachers....oh well I'm going with it). Single people have to pay for baby showers, baby birthdays, christenings, and a million other gifts that they don't see a return on. Speaking of a friend of mine wants everyone to go to Hawaii for their son's first birthday. No need to say more.

Why do we get punished for choosing to live a life free of poop, formula, and overall bullshit?

That's what I thought until I remembered every 80+ year old woman who never had kids. They are still thin, their minds are still there, they love life, and they have more money than God.

You can have a baby if you want, but if you do remember your single friends will always have more money, more free time, less responsibilities, and be much much omg much thinner.

Luvubitch!

PS - that being said I would totally have babies if I could have fake ones like Angelina Jolie. You know raised by nannies, bodyguards, and chefs, and I just had to do the occasional photo op with them.