Anorexia Is Soooo Cool

I have always known that anorexia was quite popular with the gays, and everyone fabulous, but I had no idea how rampant it had become until just recently.

For Thanksgiving this year I decided to spend five long hours dedicated to cooking a meal for three fags. I should have just put a handle of vodka on the table, and some no carb no calorie snacks and called it a day, but I decided to do it old school and make the turkey, the stuffing, the yam stuffed baked apples, the mashed potatoes, all from scratch. Well the turkey was in a bag, but I did watch the built in thermometer to make sure I pulled it out once it popped! During our Thanksgiving extravaganza one of the gays I was cooking for decided it was time to complain about how fat she looked in her sweater. That's right, while getting ready for the holiday dedicated to pigging out I had to console a gay that he was not fat. In order to save time waiting to eat for a self conscious gay to go through twenty-some costume changes I told him that he did not look fat, and in fact he looked anorexic. At this point he turned to me with a twinkle in his eye, and a relieved look on his face, and said, "You mean it? OMG thank you!"

On what planet is it ok to look anorexic? My entire life I have been made fun of for being too skinny, and now it's a sought after image?

I was again brought back to reality upon hearing Kate Moss tell an interviewer that she has been able to maintain her waif-like appearance by holding true to the mantra that, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Luckily I am now no longer part of this group of super fabulous anorexics, because according to my friends I have turned a little pudgy weighing in at 156 on a 6'-2" frame. I think this is why only 10% of the population is gay..... it is just way easier being straight, having a few beers and a whole pizza while watching a football game, than it is being a constantly hungry queer. So for all you single ladies out there guess who is now on the market?!

luvuANObitches!

Life Is Overrated

Two months ago I got a two month contract job. After seven months of crappy freelance jobs, one of which I am still waiting on payment two months later, I had finally found something somewhat permanent. It was a dream job under the guise to transition into permanent employment.....sike! That's right I'm bringing by sike! Or is it syke? Today I was just notified that I would not be needed at the end of my contract. WTF! I even worked un-billable hours at this job in the chance of trying to look like I really cared. So now it is back to door to door.

The reason I think life is overrated is because we are held back by our past life karma! Obviously I used all of mine up in my past life; I was probably Hitler, and my roommate was the founder of Salvation Army. Seriously EVERYTHING goes his way. His life motto is it always works out, and I am the definition of the Murphy's Law. If something bad can happen it will ten fold. Um is that what it's called? Whatever it is it's BAD!

I am now looking forward to working on dad's tree farm back in Ohio, and he make 6 figures while not working more than 15 hours a week from home in an apartment he got at 1/4 of the price on foreclosure with a cute twinky bf that makes him his lunch every day. I have to say that in my next life I better be the next Golden Child, and he better be a flatworm.

luvuCHARMEDbitches

War on Twinks

I first of all have to preface that I do not necessarily hate all twinks. I just hate the ones that dip in my dating pool, the 30+ gays. That's not true, I hate all twinks.

A few days ago I was getting my hair did, and I had a conversation with another 30 year old gay. We found out that we are in the same lonely boat. Both of us are twinks past our prime, still tall, skinny, and relatively wrinkle free (no laughs please and thank the Lord for the invention of retinol. Start early!), but we can no longer be considered twinks. Btw thank God. Anyway, we came to the agreement that all of the twinks are stealing up all the eligible bachelors! Everywhere I look I see a 19,20, 21 year old with someone 30 and up.

For example a friend of mine who is 32 is dating a 21 year old. I can't say much because I really like his bf, which is annoying. Another friend of mine who is 36 that I always thought would stay strong with me in dating in the 30 pool just went on a date with a 21 year old. I also have several 30+ friends that only date below the age of 23. What the fuck?! What is wrong with dating someone older? Most of these friends say that they don't date people their age because they are old. Um.....how is someone who is 30 too old for someone who is 31? I really don't get it.

This all falls in my opinion that gays have their midlife crisis at 30 instead of 40. Once gays jump the 20 something mark they have an age crisis. They start wearing painted on clothes, stop eating, and start partying til 5am, even if they never did that in their 20s. Personally I love being 30. My gays always give a gay gasp when someone asks my age and I proudly lift my chin and say 30. "But they thought you were 25! Why tell them your real age?" Because I'm proud of it bitches! I worked hard to get to 30, and I am not letting it go. Besides who wants to relive their 20s anyway? Shitty apartments, bad boyfriends, starter jobs, broke college years. You can have it 20 somethings I am all about pushing forward!

In order to balance out the universe I am hear-by declaring that I will only date 60+ year olds. Yes this makes me a contradiction, and the 60s group will bitch about 30 year olds stealing their men, but I feel this is a necessary evil in order to balance out my age set. So the next time you see me with a geriatric don't hate, I'm doing it to balance out the dating down of my fellow 30+ gays. That's right I'm all about the people.

Btw I am actually just bitter, because when I was 21 no 30+ would give me the time of day. Oh if only I could have been born in the 90s instead of the 70s. Oh fuck I'm old!

luvuTWINKYbitches!

Fuck Happens A Lot

Did you ever notice how often fuck happens on a daily basis, and I am talking on all levels of the word. I feel like I am surrounded by this word possibly way too much, especially as of late.

I recently moved to a gentrifying neighborhood, no I shouldn't say that, I live in a gorgeous building at the edge of a beautiful area, and by edge I mean one block over bullets are flying and domestic disputes run rampant. Just now I was out on the terrace and I witnessed a guy running down the street yelling FUCK who then jumped up and kicked a mailbox mid stride and kept on going. First of all what did a mailbox ever do to someone? Whenever I am mad I never think I am going to let that mailbox have what's coming to it! Then just across the street a couple were apparently mid-breakup yelling fuck you you fucking bitch at each other at the bus stop. Scenes such as this are a regular occurrence around here.

In addition to these colorful verbal fucks, I have to deal with my roommate's literal fucks every single day. It is better now that our apartment is twice the size, but do you know how difficult it is being single listening to your roommate having at it several times every day? Then having to witness them strutting around the apartment sex swollen in a pair of boxers asking me what's up like I hadn't been subjected to their rabbit fucking for the past half hour?

Then there are the fates that keeping fucking my life. The surprise hospital bill that was supposedly taken care of by my lovely insurance, the surprise audit on my 2007 taxes, the surprise utility bills that somehow come about every other week instead of once a month, the surprise vet bill that cost $188 instead of the $88 I was expecting.

Seriously when did fuck become the soundtrack of my life? I can't complain that much though, if I had to choose one word fuck isn't that bad, after all it has so many uses. I am reading Kathy Griffin's new book and if fuck was taken out of it there wouldn't be anything to read, and if we didn't have it would Eddie Murphy have even had a career? In the end I guess I shouldn't complain fuck is pretty amazing.

luvubitch!

VMAs - What Could Have Been, Beyonce

Ok Beyonce is always awesome, but if she knew her audience she should have put this bitch on stage. I tried to find it on youtube, but it was flagged for adult content? So ridiculous! It's just a fairy in tight clothes! Anyway scroll down to the super skinny girl doing shoulda put a ring on it. I don't think Beyonce would put him on though because that gurl would def upstage her.

luvubitch!

This is why I love Beyonce. Girl is classy to the max. When she got up to accept her video of the year award she called up Taylor Swift to let her have her spot in the limelight and give her acceptance speech that Kanye ruined. How awesome is that! I am so looking forward to Kanye's career taking a dive after this!

VMAs - Lady GaGa

Bitch she crazy! Is what went through my head watching Lady GaGa. Now I am all about performance art, but at the VMAs? I definitely draw the line at blood. What exactly is she saying here? Paparazzi kills people? Fame kills people? That bitch is the biggest paparazzi fame whore on the planet! Why else would she always leave the house sans pants? Unless she has a medical condition where she is allergic to fabric on her thighs I rest my case.

That being said bitch can sing. I love her music, but I hated her case of the Madonnas a couple of months ago when she was constantly walking around with that tea cup mumbling about missing tea time with her mother all while speaking in a british accent. Bitch is from Yonkers, NY!

I thought she did a good job overall, but what the fuck was that red lace outfit she wore after paparazzi? Here is what she entered in. No need to say more.

Btw I have to say right now when Diddy said Kanye's name everyone booed, and started chanting Taylor! Yeah! Hopefully that Gay Fish is dead for good!

luvuCRAZYbitch!

Nevermind everything I said about her, because Lady AMAZINGaGa just dedicated her award to her fucking fans, God, and the GAYS!!!!!!!!!!! One thing is for sure she definitely knows her audience!

VMAs - Green Day

Green Day proved why all performers should perform high. By far the best performance so far! I loved watching the security pee their pants over the out of control crowd on stage. You could see the phrase "lawsuit" in their panicked eyes. Good job Green Day on smoking some pot before your set!

luvuHIGHbitches!

VMAs - Kanye

Watching the VMAs tonight, as if I needed another reason, I hate Kanye. He writes good music, but seriously is there a bigger douche on the planet? Here was Taylor Swift, probably one of the biggest sweethearts in the music industry, and he ruined her big moment! First of all good for Justin Bieber for telling him off later. Does that 15 yr old have some balls or what? And why doesn't MTV issue a permanent security detail from keeping Kanye off stage? He did the same thing to Evanescence when they won best new artist instead of him. One would think MTV would learn their lesson and ban that mouthy bitch from the awards show, or at the very least put him in the last row so people would have time to stop him before he made it to the stage! All I have to say is he isn't really helping those gay rumors by dating this. If you are trying to play it straight Kanye pick a drag queen that doesn't look so manly.

Now I am going to try to keep writing about the VMAs, so I'll have several posts about it. Stay tuned!

Ifuckinghateubitch!.......sorry I just couldn't do it, it's Kanye!

I Think I Was Punked

Now I have been on a lot of interviews in my time, but today was by far the absolute worst interview of anyone's life. I could not possibly believe that anyone has had a worse interview than this, so sit back grab a bottle or two of merlot, maybe a cig or two, and get ready.

Today I had an interview with a local gay interior designer. I thought finally a gay firm! I am golden! Not so much. I can not name names, but the designer/hack was voted off season 1 of Top Design for being an asshole if that helps. So I walked in to the office in what I thought was my posh black designer outfit, with dark paisley tie, and contrasting lime green briefcase. Victoria Beckham would have been proud. I waited for at least twenty minutes for this bitch to get her shit together to meet me. I was given a glass of water upon entry with a cucumber slice in it however. Apparently they moonlight as a club, who knew?

I was finally greeted by the designer, and all I have to say is fatty bald fatty fat fat!!!!! Ok I'm a little bitter, but by the end you will forgive me. In his opening line about himself he told me that he was a high school drop out, and recovering meth addict. Lovely. I'm sorry but the meth thing was a moot point for me. Who cares? What potential employer interviews someone with "Hello I'm a high school drop out and recovering meth addict? As my roommate said that is not a feather in your hat my friend.

Throughout the course of the interview he; brought his staff in front of me and made me make snap judgements on their personality based upon their appearance and then they did the same to me, he harped nonstop on why I was only at one job for 10 months, he asked me who my best friend was and what they would say about me both positive and negative, he made me "sell" him my bag, he laughed at the fact that I went to University of Michigan, he said I was under qualified, and in the end he said that I did not have the right aesthetic to work there. Here is my break down of all that.

1) Making a potential interviewer judge their possible future work colleges based on their appearance to their face does not illicit office camaraderie.

2) The reason I worked at that firm for 10 months was that I moved to another opportunity. A lot of architects bounce around in jobs their first few years. I offered up that I left with an open invitation to come back, but he didn't really care.

3) My best friend? Who cares! Also if it was really my best friend they wouldn't offer up an aspect of my personality that I needed to change, especially (!) while snapping their fingers saying "and, and, and". By the end of that inquisition I thought maybe he really isn't my best friend....

4) Selling him my bag was retarded. I know it was a showroom/office, but what the hell. Yes take my bag it's amazing. I hadn't realized I was on antique roadshow.

5) Laughing at me going to University of Michigan I REALLY didn't get. Yes I know I didn't go to Harvard, but you couldn't even get your GED bitch! What the fuck!? Btw University of Michigan was ranked number 8th in the country for architecture when I went there, I just wanted to throw that out there.

6) Under qualified?! One of his designers was 23, and just graduated from college about a year ago. I mean really?

7) Not saying that I didn't have the right aesthetic translated as "I think you are ugly".

Now my synopsis is that he does not like people to work there that are more educated and talented than him. Everyone in his office is under the age of 25, and he is 42. The ONLY good thing to come out of the meeting was that he, and two of his employees thought I was 23-24, which is never a bad thing.

In the end I just don't understand how a recovering meth head high school drop out is doing so well, and I am begging to work for minimum wage for him? What is wrong with the world? I think I am one interview away from a knife and a hot bath. UGH! Oh well I'll just hope that he drops in to a relapse, and is begging me for change on the corner. Be sure to look for a follow up blog about me running in to him at the bar, and him trying to hit on me. I'm sure it's going to happen.

I can't even say luvubitch on this one, so I will just end the post with.........

IHATEYOUCRACKEDOUTFATBALDOVERTHEHILLNASTYFAGGOT!!!!

Yeah that felt much better!

luvubitch!

The How and the Why

At long last I have discovered why I have gone for so long without finding a permanent job. I have applied to literally hundreds of jobs in the past six months, and as a result I often recycle my cover letter. I alter the position, and a few key facts per the job I applied for. Today was no exception. I applied for a fabulous interior design job at a super gay interior design firm in the area. Should have been golden right? Um yah no. I sent out my personalized cover letter, and immediately received an email response saying that they could not make it past the first sentence of my cover letter, but I could have a second chance to reread and re-edit it to be sent back. At first I thought "what a bitch! there is nothing wrong with that letter I checked it twice!" Upon rereading the cover letter that stated while I had applied to an interior design position I had actually written that I wanted to apply for their Project Architect position in Columbus, OH. So much for their bitchy comment, apparently I'm just an idiot.

So there it is. It seems I haven't been getting call backs due to my lack of experience, but rather I often have been applying for the wrong positions. I will keep my avid readers posted, but I think this last application was a wash. It's not my fault though! I've applied to too many jobs! Can't someone just hire me to save me from this hell already?

luvuGRAMATICALLY_PERFECTbitch.

Hating on the Bears

Recently in my quest to accept any paying job that comes my way I applied to a doorman position at a local Bear/Leather bar. Technically leather and bears are kept separate, but this is a bunch of bull shit. There's no such thing as a leather twink, preppy, gaysian, or circuit gay. On my interview I started off as optimistic. The position was for a part-time Thursday and Saturday night only doorman. All one had to do was check id's, and answer the phone, and I mean who calls a bar anyway? I met with someone who shall remain nameless, but his name was used in a Lindsay Lohan movie back in the pre-coke years if that helps, and I was ushered into the back bar for my interview. Now this person had a handle bar mustache, was very furry, and not how should I put it slender; pretty much the complete opposite of moi. We did the interview, blah blah blah, and at the end of it he told me that there were five other applicants for this shitty $8.00 an hour 12 hour work week position. I mean really? How could there possibly be that many guys willing to lower themselves to such an unglamorous job? In the end I got a "we'll call you" response, and I never heard back. Shocking. Now I have a master's degree, which I would have thought would have qualified me to check id's. Apparently not. It is for this reason that I think bears discriminate the most out of all gay subcultures, which btw is saying a lot.

Supposedly bears embrace everyone, but in reality they have harsher physical appearance codes than all the other gays combined. Most gays will let slide a little back hair, some saggy titties, even *gasp a wierd penis, but not the bears! Bears only accept other hairy fat middle aged smelly non-effeminate men.

I did some research, and the bear flag is supposed to embrace all types. I am going to regurgitate what I found on wikipedia. Brown represents hair and skin, ok there are a fair amount of bears that fall into this category they can have that one. Red represents hair and skin, as in Native Americans; I guess this could be true, but I have never seen a Native American bear to prove otherwise so I am saying this is lie number 1! Blond represents hair and asian skin, which is absolutely false! There is absolutely no such thing as an asian bear! If you can find one please attach a pic in the comments because I don't believe you! Asians lack both the hair and size to be included in the bear community, which by the way is a good thing so if you are asian don't get pissed at that comment. That was lie number 2! Peach represents light blond hair and peach skin. Ok now seriously does there need to be a distinction between blond and light blond? So much for being masculine there bears. White represents white hair and albinos. I definitely buy the white hair, but albinos? They are REALLY reaching for this "all inclusive flag". Since when is albino a separate ethnicity? Grey represents grey hair. What no grey skinned people? Exclusion number 4, or was that3? I lost count. Last and obviously least is black for black hair and skin. Why does black need to be on the bottom? Why is it black and not African American? They listed Asian and Native American! Discrimination! If I was an African American bear I would be pissed!

I will have to segue into another blog just for the other types of bears, but this is dragging on already. In closing I love bears, but they hate me. Why all the hating bears? Not all of us can have a low metabolism and small amounts of body hair.

LuvuFURRYbitches!

Yeeha Ms. Chesney

In honor of Gay Rodeo weekend in Chitown I thought it appropriate to honor one of the biggest gay gurls in the biz, Kenny Chesney! People always say that there is no such thing as a gay country star, but I disagree. Look at this Mary. She is allergic to sleeves, divorced Squinty (Renee Zellweger) after a few weeks, and just started his own fashion line! This gurl is gayer than Tommie Gurl (Tom Cruise) on an all night barely binge while forcing his brain washed "wife" to perform old Judy Garland hits for his own personal amusement.

Tommie Gurl being a fan of Judy is hilarious on so many levels. I know there are still at least five whole Tom Cruise female fans out there that get their titties in a twist over him, (did I use that saying correctly?), but I mean come on! I know of two male friends of friends of friends that have reported sleeping with him. What more proof does one need?

Anyway back to Kenny Chesney. I have always thought that he was gay, and now that he has released a clothing line I am definitely convinced, ESPECIALLY since the nymag.com put him and Lady Gaga in the same headline. Nothing is gayer than Lady Gaga. I think her penis is bigger than mine, and by penis I mean big dick. Is she not the biggest tranny you have ever seen? Her equipment is probably bigger than Ann Coulter's.

luvuGAYRODEObitches!

Dlist Celebrities Are Dlist For A Reason

So I have been trying to be Facebook friends with Andy Cohen for months, and my friend request is still pending! Ok now he has 4.953 friends, so clearly he is not that picky. Granted these could all be passed conquests considering he is gay, hot, and quasi-famous, but I'm more than open to being part of that list! Hello he is so AC silver fox! (AC is gay shorthand for Anderson Cooper duh). I mean I'm not a stalker. I've only requested to be his friend like 26 times, but who's counting.

You know I had this same problem with Kathy Griffin on Facebook too! It took that bitch over three months to approve me, and it's not even a real friend it's one of those stupid group pages or something. Now I know her fabulous drunk ancient mother, (my life long ambition), was in charge of the website, but no excuses! How hard is it to click accept over and over again?!

It's for this reason that I think these Dlist celebrities will always be Dlist! If they really wanted to climb up the ladder fucking log in to Facebook every day and hit accept! How fucking hard is that! Ugh so annoying.

I had this idea to try sending out friend requests to legitimate Alist celebrities, but did you ever notice that they all have a million fake pages? Robbie Williams has about 10, and Angelina Jolie forget it! I think Facebook needs to implement a function to input a social security number so there can only be one Robbie Williams. How is he ever going to find me, fall in love with me, move me to England, beet me up in a coke induced rage, and then spend the next week having hot make up sex?......and repeat. Seriously this needs to happen.

LuvuDLISTbitches!

The Time Traveler's Stupid Weepy Wife

MOVIE REVIEW - THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE

I am doing so well on writing every day! I am sooo good at setting goals for myself, not so much on the follow through.

Ok I am not drunk, not enthusiastic, and I am taking a break from boring work.....we'll struggle through this post together.

I recently saw The Time Traveler's Wife, and I have to give it a bit rating. It really was a pretty good movie, but I am not a fan of Debbie Downer movies, and this one definitely falls into that category. First though lets focus on the positives. Rachel McAdams was the perfect pick for this role. She has pretty much mastered the weak teary eyed conflicted love interest; The Family Stone, Wedding Crashers, The Notebook. Don't get me wrong I love Rach, but one does have to admit that she is the go to girl of the moment for this type of roll. Next we have Eric Bana. Not only is Eric dreamy, but we get to see a lot of his ass in this movie, because when one time travels their clothes don't go with them duh. I think he's an ok actor, but with his looks and naked butt throughout the whole movie who cares. It's like Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. Sure he's pretty good, but considering how good he looked sans shirt in a cowboy hat who cares! He could have had a speech impediment in that movie and no one would have noticed. The last positive of the movie was the way Eric phased in and out of time, fabulous.

Onto the cons of the movie. What kind of a stupid beotch mopes around while her husband is off streaking through time? Seriously. He is such a typical man! You know what I's sayin ladies. "Oh I couldn't help but pass through time. It's not my fault I missed your birthday. It's not my fault I phased into the vagina of a woman in the future; she was just there when I landed!"

Also, the ending wah wah. I can't really say much since I don't want to spoil it, but ugh. I am glad it didn't end all Disney, but who wants to leave a movie so depressed! Movies should be an escape from reality, not forcing us to analyze our own crappy relationships! Boooo. This is why this movie only gets a bit out of a bitch.

I should have written this directly after the movie, when I had to go to the bar and get smashed in order to try and cheer myself up. don't judge, isn't that what everyone does after a depressing movie? It's for this reason I have yet to see Monster with Charlize Theron. Not only was I pissed they didn't cast an actual ugly actress in the role, come on the gorgeous starlets even get the ugly roles (?), but I would have to drink myself into a comma to get over that one. Personally I love happy feel good movies like Little Miss Sunshine. You know a movie where someone dies, gets thrown in the trunk of a car, child stripping, crushed dreams, and failed suicide. Now that is a feel good movie!

Luvubitch!

Hobbits Don't Need To Recline

I thought it would be hard to come up with something that annoyed me today, but then I got on a plane and all my problems were solved! A hobbit sized asshole sat in front of me in coach, I know traveling with the surfs, and proceeded to stay in the reclined position throughout the entire flight. I swear whenever I get on a plane the seat in front of me is always defective! As soon as the plane takes off the seat in front of me reclines, and stays that way until landing, and sometimes even after landing. How is this possible? Does anyone else have this problem? I think the person in front of me sees a 6'-2" person behind them and thinks, "Why do they need all of that extra leg room? Why don't I help them get a little more cozy." BAM! Right into my knees every time. If I am going to go through the trouble of getting my knees bruised it's not because I am flying in coach. You know what I'z sayin gurl!? Shit.

Luvubitch!

Julie & Julia & Me

MOVIE REVIEW - JULIE & JULIA

I recently saw the movie Julie & Julia. After having just started a blog I was super into the idea that I can sell this blog for milllllionnnnns of dollars after one year. I think I am going to follow the Julie plan and make some kind of deadline for myself. Btw a great line from the movie was "I love deadlines. I love the sound they make as they go wooshing past." And....that sounds a little familiar to me. As I like to tell everyone; I am an idea man, not so much a do-er. Anyway I think a deadline is a great idea to make me write something everyday! Especially since after only 5 posts I have a cajillion readers. Incase you didn't know a cajillion is like totally a lot.

So, for my deadline I am going to write 1 movie/book/music review a day. This is great, because I can totally cheat and write about past movies I've seen, and I am sure I have seen enough movies/read enough books/listened to enough music to write about 1 of those a day! I know I'm brilliant. I am also going to write 1 personal ranting a day about either celebrities/life situations/ events during my day that pissed me off. This will be a little more daunting of a task, but I'm pretty sure I can find SOMETHING during my day that I find to be annoying.

OK! Now that that is done I am going to review Julie & Julia. When reviewing movies I think that I have to have my own rating system. The better the movie the more of a bitch spelling it gets. For instance a crappy movie like Vanilla Sky...bleh!....would receive a b, because it sucked in every possible way. A great movie such as Empire Records would receive a bitch, because it was awesome. A super rare unbelievably amazing movie, such as Goonies would get a BEOTCH, because it was one of the best movies of all time.

Julie & Julia definitely gets a bitch. Meryl Streep in my opinion is one of the greatest actresses of all time, and she shows it here with her ability to completely encapsulate the persona of Julia Child. Not only was her voice dead on, but some of the one liners she was able to deliver were unbelievable! If you don't want a spoiler don't read further........but one of my favorites was when she took two rolls of pasta out of a boiling pot by hand and said "these are as hot as a stiff cock!" Does it really get better than hearing that from a Julia Child character?! I mean seriously. I also really enjoyed her line when her and her sister were standing in front of the mirror and she said "Not bad....*pause.............but not great". This is how I feel every time I look in the mirror! OMG I'M Julia Child! Amy Adams was equally as good. She was so good that I only had the vision of her traipsing around New York singing "How will you knoooooow if heeeee loves her" while in a gorgeous pink gown once. That's pretty good in my opinion, since I associate her with wide eyed princess perfection. The only problems I had with this movie were that Stanley Tucci should only play gay characters like in The Devil Wears Prada, so I can think that he is available (come on he's a hot bear daddy no?), and the theater I was at didn't center the movie on the screen correctly so we were stuck watching boom mikes throughout the entire movie. I know this isn't the movie's fault, but they should plan ahead for these situations and edit them out. Why can't they make boom mikes green, so they can green screen them out in the editing process?

Hollywood is dumb.

Luvubitch!

Babies are Bullshit

Another day passes, as does another bottle of wine, which means it's time for another blog post! I am sitting here watching old Sex in the City reruns on TBS, and it is the baby shower for Laney episode. I have to agree with my girls; I am soooo over people who have babies thinking that they are somehow bettering the planet by carrying on the species. Ok now if you have kids, thinking about having kids, or some day want kids stop reading immediately. For all the cool people ga head.

While watching this episode I am painfully reminded of my mother, drunk (aren't all moms?), standing in front of the family at a holiday lunch saying "Jason how are you going to make it up to me for not giving me grandchildren". There are many things wrong with this statement; one why the hell do I have to provide grandchildren it's my life bitch, two don't parents have children for themselves not for their parents, and three I'm not having kids because I want to fly first class and buy Prada shoes. My saving grace afterwards was that I was able to say that my boyfriend of three years just broke up with me three weeks after I threw him a $1400 surprise 30th birthday party which he didn't offer to pay for to leave me for a 19 year old after I gave up my fabulous life in New York City to move to fucking Reno, NV and I had to move out of my house which I technically still owned half of. Yeah I win!!!! Seriously nothing tops that shit. I'm kind of almost glad it happened, because when someone says my life sucks I get to say *repeat from above. I am going to use that shit til I'm fucking six feet under. Thanks xbf!

Back to topic. I think all singles can attest that people with kids get all the perks. Think about it. Parents always get to leave work early because they have some soccer practice, blah blah blah they have to get to, and the single people can finish the work because they couldn't possibly have anything else to do of importance. Single people still have to pay for public school even though they don't use it. (omg at this point I've pissed off all parents and teachers....oh well I'm going with it). Single people have to pay for baby showers, baby birthdays, christenings, and a million other gifts that they don't see a return on. Speaking of a friend of mine wants everyone to go to Hawaii for their son's first birthday. No need to say more.

Why do we get punished for choosing to live a life free of poop, formula, and overall bullshit?

That's what I thought until I remembered every 80+ year old woman who never had kids. They are still thin, their minds are still there, they love life, and they have more money than God.

You can have a baby if you want, but if you do remember your single friends will always have more money, more free time, less responsibilities, and be much much omg much thinner.

Luvubitch!

PS - that being said I would totally have babies if I could have fake ones like Angelina Jolie. You know raised by nannies, bodyguards, and chefs, and I just had to do the occasional photo op with them.

Gays Make It Confusing

I just finished another fabulous episode of Kathy Griffin on the Dlist, and I realized that there are now so many levels of being gay that even I'm confused.

When I went to college, please don't ask how long ago that was, the gay group on campus was a mere LGB group. LGB stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual. Now back in the late 90s, oh crap I just gave a clue on my age! Anyway glossing over that mishap.....So back then we thought this included all of the gay types. (Which by the way I have always thought the term gay included lesbians, but what do I know) Then we added a T for transexual, making it LGBT. That lasted about 2 seconds before we changed the name of our group to Fusion to safely include anyone and everyone that we were forgetting. Confused yet?

Recently I heard it was changed to LGBTQ; Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual, Queer. Ok seriously gays what the hell is Queer? I am guessing this includes all of the super annoying people that "don't like labels". You know these types. They are usually gay, but they don't like to be "labeled", because they still think women are SUPER HOT. Ya ok. Some very annoying "unlabelable" (I think I just made that up, roll with it) people are Ariel from Miami Social, which btw is the BEST new show on Bravo. Please add it to your on demand. Before I move on can I just say that if you are a man named after the Little Mermaid you HAVE to be gay. No ifs ands or buts there super butch Arial. Blake from Project Runway, I mean seriously. Pretty much any celebrity that doesn't believe in labeling themselves; Clay Gayken used to be one, but then he came out (woohoo and big shock I know, but it was for all 8 of his Claymate fans), Ricky Martin (again seriously), and I'm sure there are tons more but I can't think of all of them right now. Oh and apparently Margaret Cho is now queer? She said she was on her latest televised stand up. So if someone could please contact her to let me know what queer means I would really appreciate it, because at this point I just think that queer means fag hag. Thanks Margie.

Ok so we are up to LGBTQ, and I just found out that we added an I? What the hell? I, as I understand it, stands for Intersex. What does that mean exactly? Is Intersex the transitionary period between having something added or removed, you know what I mean don't make me say it? Or is Intersex happily living between two sexes? Hence unidentifiable? If so then aren't they just queer?

Why do the gays make it all so difficult? You know why, it's because every gay needs the new best thing! Lesbian, gay, bisexual is sooooo last season. Well I'm jumping ahead of the curve, and I am no longer gay, but vaginally challenged. Can I make that a word? How about nonotothevag? Or nomuffforme? I'll work on it, but be sure to look for another letter to be added to LGBTQI very soon. God pretty soon it's going to be LGBTQIXCVYUJASOP.

Thank you gays for making labeling so confusing! And they say we aren't judgmental.

Oh a p.s. is needed, because I just looked up intersex, and it is a fancy word for hermaphrodite. Why are hermaphrodites part of the LGBT community? I'm not including Q, because I think it's dumb. Oh gays.....

Luvubitch!

Hottest Bitch In Town

So I am sitting here recuperating from my drinking escapades last night watching the Animal Planet Dog Championships, and I have just seen the hottest bitch of the dog show, literally. It is a female Chinese Crested named Botox. Now normally I would think that these dogs are the ugliest things ever to come about from selective breeding, but how can you top one of these with the name Botox?! In my opinion she should win for name alone! Here I thought they all had names like Anastasia Beaverhausen the III. Go Botox!!! I'm routing for you!

If Botox wasn't reason enough to watch the Animal Planet Dog Championships, then you should definitely tune in for the announcer with super bad gay lisp. Gay lisp + Botox = tv brilliance.

Luvubitch!

I'm an Old Fag

Last night I was out at my favorite Chicago gay bar, which if you want to know is Northend.

I am a sucker for a dive gay sports bar. The gays are more manly than the regular twink filled extravaganza most clubs seem to be. I always feel skinny. I'm on the young end of the clientele. And I get to listen to all types of hot manly conversations, such as "did the Redwings win(?)", which I have to preface actually happened to me once and I had to respond with "I'm sorry but I don't know what that is". Anyway.........

So last night when I was about 5 or 6 or 20 drinks in I asked a friend of mine what their gay song was. You know what one's gay song is. It is that first song you heard at a gay bar that made you run to the dance floor, throw your limp-wristed arms in the air, and scream I love being gay!!! It signifies the turning point in one's gay life when they go from still one foot in the closet, to wearing only painted on clothes and tossing their legs behind their head. Well I know some "straight" guys that do that, but I'm talking about the gays that say "girl this bitch tore up my ass last night!" Yeah I love my people! For those of you who aren't gay, sorry you may not be cool enough for this post.

When my friend let me listen to his gay song on his ipod I couldn't believe what I was hearing! It was all trance/jungle/bass beats. Sure it was "All about the boys", or some shit like that, but there was nothing quintessentially gay about it. Then again my friend has been out for a year (?), so maybe that's what the new gays relate to now a days. It was at this point that I realized I am an old faggot.

True in the gay world being 30 I am essentially dead already, but in gay years I am REALLY old. I came out when I was 17, when most of friends waited until their 20s, so in gay years I am 14 years old! That is like way super old to you like young twink gays like seriously.

MY gay song is "If You Could Read My Mind" from the Studio 54 soundtrack.

Whatever happened to good gay songs like that?!?! When I first started going out we still had awesome legitimately gay only songs. Now it's all remixed crap. Can't the gays listen to anything not remixed five times over? I blame it all on Britney! Grant it I love the bitch, and especially all the crazy, speaking of have you seen this clip? But I think the gays have gotten so used to her over synthesized voice that they think all music should sound like that.

Well fuck this!!! Bring back the fabulous black girls! Bring back the glamorous! Death to Britney, Miley and all those bitches for ruining gay music!

Ugh I am exhausted. I'm going to go pop in some Britney and dance around in my heels and underwear.

Luvubitch!

College Degrees Are Obsolete

I have recently discovered that college degrees have become obsolete. I was a complete moron, and gave up a perfectly good job to move to Chicago, IL. I have been here about four and a half months. During this time I have called every single architecture firm in the yellow pages, applied to every job posting on Craigslist, CareerBuilder, Monster, Hot Jobs, IHire, and I routinely check every firm's individual website incase they have an internal posting. I have a Bachelor's and Master's in Architecture plus five years working experience. Every position I have applied to I am either; under qualified, over qualified, don't have the right skill set, or don't have the right experience needed.

I know, I know, the economy blah blah blah. A few years ago I could apply to a job, get an interview, and get an offer in a matter of weeks. Now I can't even get a serving job, or a receptionist job because I don't have the right "skills", or I'm over qualified. Bitch how hard is it to put a glass of water on a table, or answer a fucking phone?!

The point of my story is that having two degrees hasn't seemed to help me find a job at all. Don't buy in to the crappy online universities either, especially the ones offering a degree in design. Design won't get you shit right now! Not to mention having a degree from ABC University.com is not that impressive to potential employers.

No, in this economy I have decided the only way to go is to shirk ones morals, and get a job in gay porn or stripping. Seriously! I know several individuals that work at a seedy hole in the wall gay bar here in Chicago as strippers, and they make on average.....wait for it.......$6-8,000 a month! CASH!!! WTF?!?! $1500 to $2000 a week to get felt up by some skeezy old guys? Sign me up! And I have to note that they get to drink at work. Hello! Dream job? I think so.

I also know that, on average, guys that work steadily in gay porn make 6 figures a year. WTF again! Paid to have sex with other hot guys? Um bonus! The only thing holding me back from this is that I can't quite figure out how to shave between the cheeks, and I am one of those rare twinky tops. I don't really think that I could deal with getting pounded by a dick the size of my forearm......or a forearm for that matter.

So here I am spending my days applying to anything I can find on Craigslist. Pretty soon it's going to be giving blow jobs on the street corner for $5. Then again if I tape it and post it on xtube for $2 a viewing I can probably be a millionaire by Christmas. Ok boys, old guys, and everything in between, meet me on the corner of ............................

Luvubitch!